Our summer!

 Char and Maddie having a good time driving around!

 Johnny and Char at Smoot Park

 My John bear

 Playing in the backyard! One of our FAVORITE things to do!

 Father's Day!!! Love you John!

 Family reunion

 Great Grandma Gardner!

OUR BABY HONEY TURNED 2!!!!



Here are just some recent pics of the kids and our summer so far! It has been a crazy and fun Summer so far and it sems like day after day, we have tons going on! Parks, swimming, being with family, playing with freinds, bbq's, playing the backyard (ALOT) and celebrating Charlotte's birthday! I can't believe Char is 2. We had a birthday party with all her little friends and it was so fun! Thanks to all who came over to share her special day and for her cute presents!The kids are turning out to be best buds and I am so glad they have each other! At the 4th of July parade, Johnny was sitting next to Char with his arm around her teling her what was coming up next in the parade! He looks out for her and they are little partners in crime! This is a quick post, but I just wanted to let our fam and friends who are near and far now what we are up to! Will blog again soon!

RAGNAR 2012

Van 1 starting time at 9:30 am. All of us were first time Ragnar runners!

This pic is of us before our night runs!!! I was totally freaking out!

Lovely pic of us after our yummy dinner and showers! (Provided by Kendra! Thank you!)

Pic of me and my Van 1 mom Ann passing me water on my first leg! LOVE HER!

Well here it is folks! My detailed account of my Ragnar experience! 3 weeks before Ragnar I was on Face book and noticed that Matty had posted about needing a last min runner for their Van 1 Ragnar team and needed someone who at least ran a little bit. I immediately posted with excitement that I could do it! I hadn't even looked at the legs I would be running, let alone knowing what I was getting myself into! I looked at the legs on line and thought it was going to be OK. For those of you who don't know what Ragnar is, it is an overnight running relay race that makes testing your limits a team sport. A team is made up of 12 individuals; each individual runs 3 legs. The legs of the race vary in difficulty and distance, from 3-8 miles, allowing elite and novice runners to run together. Over 2 days and 1 night, teams run across 200 miles of the Wasatch Back from Logan to Park City. At out final team meeting, I realized I would be running not only with a bunch of people I had never met, but we were all FIRST TIME Ragnar runners! I was a little nervous that I would let people down and it did intimidate me. I was runner #6, which meant that I would be the last runner in our van and would be the one handing off to van 2, 3 different times! I prepared the night before, leaving my darling children in the care of my in-laws, Thank you John and Liz! We met at Ann's house at 7 am to head up to Logan. I sat shot gone with Ann, Kira, Brayden, Kendra, and Proshaunt in the back. On the way there, Kendra had a break down about a mother and her ducklings crossing the highway up Logan canyon. She was crying for us to turn around, that this was a matter of life and death, that she would run our legs for us, if we would just TURN AROUND! We didn't have enough time, so she called 911. We very soon found out that Kendra has a passion for animals.... and that's putting it mildly. On one of our night legs, she saved a pregnant moth that was going to die if she got stepped on.

We got to the University to check in and all of us where still trying to figure everything out. Brayden was our first runner and left on his way at 9:30 am. We got back in the car to leap frog ahead of him and cheer him on. At this point, I was still pretty quiet. I didn't want to freak out these new people I JUST meet with my obnoxious and loud personality.... Well, we waited and waited at our exchange and still couldn't find Brayden. He had 9 miles to run, so we weren't sure how long it would take, but we knew he would be fast because he ran track and field in high school. Kendra was doing some friendly chatting with fellow participants and then realized we were at the wrong EXCHANGE!!! Poor Brayden had been waiting for us at the correct exchange for 10 min!!!! We raced like bats out of the cave (Brayden's saying) and got there so the Prochaunt could do his leg!

As we drove around dropping people off and picking them up, we all started opening up and talking. I asked where Prochaunt was from (he looked Indian) and with a straight face, said Michigan. We were all a little surprised, mainly because he had a very heavy accent, but accepted his response. Everyone did a stellar job on their runs and pretty soon we caught up on the time we had lost back at exchange 1. Kira was the runner before me and kicked tail on one of the hardest legs in Ragnar, called "What the Hill". (All uphill on a caynon dirt trail) She passed off to me and I was on my way. This was my first leg of Ragnar! It was AWESOME! It was 6.5 miles on the caynon road DOWNHILL. I was trying really hard to to not fall on my face and it really helped that my team was there cheering me on. Made the experience so much better! You have to realize that while you are running, not only are their hundreds of other runners running too (in crazy costumes and some wearing hardly anything at all) there are cars, vans, and trucks decked out with crazy stickers and paint, driving right along side of you. So I was trying to make sure I didn't fall, get hit by a car, or run into someone else! I was relieved to the one 1 mile to go sign and started really running. I didn't stop once. I finished that leg in 1 hour and 2 min. I was so happy and excited to see Van 2 and passed it on to them! I was so happy that I finished and didn't let anyone down!

Then it was off to Kendra's house in Mountain Green for food and a shower! Not everyone was able to do this, but our team was lucky! After dinner, a shower, and calling in to check on my kids, we were on our way to our exchange point. By now, it was nearing dark and Brayden took off on his second leg down Trapper's Loop in the sunset. He totally ran his heart out and finished strong as is got dark. Kendra, Ann, and Kira killed their legs in the dark. No problems, well, except for Ann almost running over a goat, while running and stepping in poo. ;-) I then set off on my second leg of 8.2 miles at 1 in the morning with my head lamp, back blinker and reflective vest. The first several miles were fun and easy. It was nice to run in the cool mountain air. My route was up East Canyon Res. About 4 miles into my run, I saw our van on the side of the road, and I knew it was probably impossible for them to notice if it was me or not (we all looked the same running in the dark) so I ran really fast along side the van and knocked it several times! The only thing I heard was Kira screaming! It was so funny! Maybe not to them..... This was by far my hardest leg. At mile 6 I had to stop because the uphill grade was too much for me.It was a little scary running up a caynon in the dark. I thought for sure I was gonna get hit by a car. After my night leg, we passed off again to Van 2 and headed off to South Summit High for some much needed rest. On the way there, Procaunt proceeded to tell us that he really was from India and was just playing with us! We thought it was so funny! By then we were so tired and exhausted that EVERYTHING was funny. "Awe Yeah" was said over a hundred times. 1+1= 2 which means it's honey bucket time! We all tried to sleep in the same car and no one really got any sleep. In my passing in and out of sleep, I yelled when it was dead quiet, "Dolla dolla bills ya'll"! Everyone started laughing and that was that, we said it the rest of the trip. At 6 am, I went to the porta potty and realized, much to my horror, that everyone was camped out in the school. We had just spent the night in a cold car with no room when we could have stayed in the school! We were all a little sad at that moment, but picked ourselves back up and headed out to do our last legs.

The heat was beating down and some of us where in stomach distress....myself included. (Too many cliff bars and power aid) We were all exhausted, tired beyond belief, and scared. Scared to not finish, scared to get really sick while running, and scared to let everyone down. Before Kendra's leg we said a prayer and with that Kendra and Ann ran through their longest and toughest legs. It was truly amazing to be apart of something so inspiring. I was able to see my teams' tears, excitement, and triumphs.... and I had just met them. Kira killed her last leg and now it was my turn to turn it out and run my last run of Ragnar. This was by far my easiest leg. I passed several people and told them to keep going. I didn't stop once. As I passed the finish line to pass on to Van 2 all I could think of was my kids and John. That I could finish fast and strong for them. At the finish line I was greeted by my new friends yelling "DOLLA DOLLA BILLS YA'LL!" What a great feeling of accomplishment! I had just finished Ragnar!!!! We drove to Park City High to eat and wait for Van 2. I was missing the kids and felt like I needed to be home, so John came and got me from Park City High and picked me up. It was bittersweet to say good bye to my new friends. We only spent 30 hours together but, we learned so much about one another and saw each other go through a big thing together!

As I sit here writing this, I miss them. My Van 1.

I miss Ann's ability to sing all the young kid songs (Booty work anyone?), tell her life story to me and let me see her for who she is. I like what I see. I miss my Ragnar momma. Thanks for cheering me on and being there for me. She is a mom and ran this race! She is so inspiring!

I miss Kira's ability to run like she did with no training. I miss her laugh. I miss her singing. I miss her smart and witty comments. Happy 16th Birthday Kira!

I miss Brayden's crazy red hair, him saying "AWE YEAH", him and Kira singing together, him saying, "my mom must love me", our renditions of Eminem, and him non stop talking about 1+1!!!!

I miss Kendra's compassion for all living things. I miss her bossy and mothering nature. I miss her cracking with a laugh at times that we were supposed to be serious and us trying to loosen her up.

I miss Proschant, or as we would say, cheese on our Croissant..... I miss him yelling our sayings in his Indian accent. My fav being, " Thank you, come again" Good luck with your new baby girl!

This was by far the craziest thing I have ever done.After going through an entire stick of body glide, blisters on my feet, no sleep, and some sore muscles, it was so worth it and I am so glad I did it. I am again so thankful for my team, because with out them. I wouldn't have been able to push through it all and have a total blast all at the same time! I am absolutely doing it again next year and hopefully with the same people! I loved Ragnar. LOVED IT. I am also very much grateful for John. Because of him I have been able to do this. He helped me believe in myself, pushed me to continue training, and cared for our kids while I trained and ran this race. It means the world to me that I have his continued support.

Determination

After months and months of training, hard work, sweat, tears, and many hours away from my kids, I FINISHED my Salt Lake Half Marathon. I decided in September of 2011 to sign up for this race when my best friend Tara called me and said we needed to change our lives. Tara and I have been through a lot together and I thought this would be one more adventure for us! Months passed and I thought it was time to start getting serious and start training. Little did I know how much time, effort, and DETERMINATION this would actually take. I started following a running schedule in January and would brave the rain and snow to get my miles in. The starting this process was slow and smart. It was intended to prevent injuries and burn out. Run for 5 min, walk one min. Over and over. Some days were so hard. Getting up before the sun would rise, seeing the snow on the ground, peeking in on my sweet kids deep in warm slumber. I seriously would just want to climb back into bed, but I didn't. I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.

February came and training was getting easier. It helped playing indoor soccer to accelerate my time run after run. It also helped with my lung capacity. In between running days, I would do strength training to prevent injuries and build strength. By the end of February, I was running 6 miles every other day. I remember my second week into March looking at my training schedule and my stomach dropped, "Now you will add a mile to one run each week until week before race." Could I even do that? Was that even possible? I was feeling pretty proud of running 6 miles in ONE day but to up that a mile each week on TOP of the other standard running days?

March came and it was time to get serious. I would wake up around 6:45 am, get in the shower (weird I know, considering I was just gonna get all sweaty) eat granola bar and a banana and a sip or two of water and head out. Miles 0-3 are the hardest for me, and were even on race day. I would spend this time trying to talk myself out of doing it.... but as I would pass mile 3, it was like I could run forever. Some days were spectacular runs, some days were down right horrible. (getting pine needles in my underwear after a secret potty break, wishing the park restrooms were open, having to walk at mile 7-8 because of charlie horses due to lack of water and sleep, crying one day after mile 6 when I almost tripped and fell on my face, and the worst was 5 miles into a run, I wore a hole in my favorite work out pants and had to hold my pant leg up the rest of the run to prevent chaffing.....) The days that were great were when I was hydrated, well rested and the weather was cooperating. It rained several days on and off weeks before the race and I loved that. The rain helped me feel stronger and less sweaty ;-) I would come home morning after morning and feel accomplished and ready to take on my life as not only a wife and mother, but also as a person. This race changed my life. No I didn't lose a ton of weight or even drop several pant sizes, but what I did gain was strength, health, happiness, passion, patience, and determination.

By the end of March, I was running 9-10 miles on my long run days and 6 on the others. I remember the day I ran 13. I wrote it on my calendar when I got home. April 10th. I was set out to run 11 that day and told myself I would go farther if I felt comfortable enough to. When I was heading back from the Rec center, it was like my whole body was bound up like a jammed gear. I stopped by a tree and started crying. I then began stretching and told myself I had to at least run home, the kids would be awake soon. I then turned up my music and started out again. The song that really made most of my runs and increased my speed was "Part of me" by Katy Perry. The song makes no correlation in my own life, but the chorus made me believe that I could do this, no matter what anyone said or did, no one could take this training from me. No one could stop me from doing this, except me. As a past Reading Elementary on Main street something told me to keep going, that I would be ok. I ran and ran and before I knew it, I was on my way back home on the frontage road in Farmington. As I sprinted that last part home (listening to Juke Box Hero, by Foreigner) I stopped at Greenfields and saw 13.7 on my nano. I had done it. I did it on a day I didn't think that I could. This race was going to be epic.....

My mom (who also ran this race with me) flew in to Salt Lake from Vegas day before the race. We went to the Gateway to pick up our shirts and race numbers and headed to my grandma's. We stayed the night there and it was comforting to know that my grandma would be caring for the kids while I prepared for and ran the race. We left South Jordan at 5 am and headed up to the start line by Trax. When we got to Legacy Bridge, I called Tara and we met up on the starting line area. It was so exciting and scary all in one breath! People were dancing and yelling and the hype was a little intense! Then, they blew the whistle and it was time to start this race! I soon found myself on my own running down Foothill and felt like I was in my element. I pretended that it was just me out there alone, running along the roads in my neighborhood that I had ran the last several months. It was surreal to say the least. I felt a smile on my face. Most of this race was downhill and for that, I am so grateful! As each water station passed (along with the restroom) I felt the need to just push past it and keep going. I didn't mind too much to the other runners. I didn't look at the times posted. I even wished they hadn't posted the mile signs. By mile 8, I saw the 2:30 mile pacer and ran past him. If I could run this in under 2 1/2 hours, that would make me so happy. By mile 9-10, I could feel blisters forming under my feet and was wondering if I should stop and tape them.... then I saw John. I thought my heart would leap out of my chest! I ran to him and gave him a sweaty kiss and kept going. His smile and cheers were just what I needed to get through these last 3 miles. As I saw the mile 12 mark, the 2:30 pacer past me and I was walking. I felt so defeated. I thought I was gonna throw up. I had ran way to fast for my pace on mile 10 and 11. Then a young kid ran passed me and yelled at me! "You are on the LAST MILE! DON'T YOU STOP NOW!" I yelled back at him. I then felt a tap on my back from Amy Hansen. I could keep going! I started running again, "Part of Me" blaring in the background, and sprinted to the finish line. As I was running through the finish line, I looked to my right and saw John, my grandparents, my mom, and our dear sweet kids cheering me on. I finished the race in 2:24, under 2 1/2 hours! I was elated! The next several min where a blur as they moved us along like cattle. I was able to be reunited with my family and it was so fun! 4 hours later, Tara and I laced up our soccer cleats and played our first outdoor game of the season. Although we were 4 men down and had no subs, it was like we were 17 again!

I am just so amazed at what the human body can do. This exact time last April, I ran a 5k with my mom and sister in 58 min. I had vertigo and was feeling low about myself. I feel like I have come a long way in just a year and I can't wait to try and accomplish things I wouldn't otherwise do. I am not a runner by nature. That I know, but, I can run and do it if I put my mind to it. I will continue to run, and maybe run the St. George half in January, but I won't let myself forget what I am capable of.

Somebodies I hold dear.

I was looking back on all my past posts and can't believe how much time has flown by. These little people seriously grow my the second. I have been super emotional this past week after finding out the news of what happened to the Powell boys this last Sunday. I have been reeling inside. Feeling all sorts of feelings that scared me. I couldn't get it out of my mind all week. I think that sometimes, the day to day life with the kids has made things feel so routine. This past week, I can honestly say- I haven't felt this way. I would get excited to hear the kids awake from their slumber, bounce into their rooms, open their curtains wide to let the sun shine in on their tired little faces, and just be filled with excitment to see them. Although, I am sure that they thought I was nuts, I have really started to appreciate these moments with the kids. I found myself getting down to see Johnny's face when he would try to tell me something, hold his hand at all times possible, ask him for help on daily taskes, held Char just a little bit longer, slowed down the diaper changes and clothing changes...... I feel like I really held onto these memories. I found myself crying at night because I couldn't and can't imagine what my life would be like with out them in it. I prayed intently that I would have more patience with them and let go of the small things. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Johnny and Char. So much, in fact that it hurts a little too. I feel like my sensitivity to them has been hightened and it makes me feel really happy inside.

I am not totally sure why this has been brought on at this very moment. Maybe Heavenly Father knew I needed it, maybe seeing images of that burned home with two small boys inside, or maybe I just let go of my insecurties. This has always been a major issue of mine and if you truly know me well, they can be seen very clearly. I let my insecurities of who I am get in the way of how I love my kids- mind you, there are other factors of course, but I think it all comes from with in me. How I feel about myself as a mom, a wife, a friend, a person. What I guess I am really trying to say is that I feel like a burden has been lifted from me. Like I can really grab hold onto these moments and make them last. It's a little weird writting this today because today was not one of my good days. I was impatient and awnry. One day at a time. I have to have the bad days to know the good ones.

What I am loving about these kiddos of mine:

Char talks NON STOP. Seriously. My little chatter box.

The way Char laughs. It's deep and all in her throat. You wouldn't expect that sound to come out

of someone so small.

The brightness in Johnny's eyes as I sing to him primary songs before bed.

How much more Johnny is communicating with me.

That they both adore books and being read to.

That storytime was finally a success! Both sat and listened the whole time. BIG DEAL.

How Johnny always wants to hold my hand in public places and demands it.

How Char wants everything Johnny has, no matter what.

That when Johnny wants something, he will repeat it over and over and over until you respond and act.

That Johnny is so friendly to others. A friend came to the door the other day and Johnny walked right over and hugged her leg. He is always so loving and affectionate.

How defiant and stubborn my Char is. I love it and dislike it.

That they are mine. That I can hold them whenever I want. I could march right upstairs, right now, and pick them up and hold them, kiss the, squeeze them. That Johnny is like me when I was little. That Char is a cookie cutter of her daddy. That I get to spend day in and day out with them and all their craziness.

A dear friend of mine had something happen to her husband recently that made her realize how important life is. She said something I will never forget and always try to remember: That FAMILY comes first, nothing else.

I am going to strive on that concept. That no matter what is going on with me or my insecurties, my family comes first. The rest will follow.

I have started another blog

On top of this blog, I have decided to do an "inspirational blog" that is not private. It will be posts about women that inspire and motivate me! Check it out! http://wwwthesisterhoodproject.blogspot.com

Fall photos

Thanks Kellie Lowe for taking such fun and beautiful pictures of my family!!!

Stand

I have been inspired by a dear friend of mine and I just hope she reads thsi and doesn't think it's corney. This song has helped me alot. It might help you too if your dealing with hardships big or small....

You feel like candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove you taste what your made of
you might bend till you break
cause it's all you can take
on your kness you look up decide you've had enough
you get mad, you get strong
wipe your hands, shake it off
THEN YOU STAND

Life's like a novel, with the end ripped out
the edge of a canyon, with only one way out
take what your given before it's gone
start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what your made of
you might bend till you break cause it's all you can take
on your knees you look up, decide you've had enough
YOU GET MAD, YOU GET STRONG
WIPE YOUR HANDS, SHAKE IT OFF

THEN YOU STAND

Everytime you get up and get back in the race
one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.

I know, I know....

It's been awhile. Not sure what to say or what to post so here it goes. Summer is more than half way gone and I am not sure I want to even think about winter. Johnny is 29 months. Charlotte is 13 months. Time has flown by and I feel as if I am in denial. Especially when it comes to the kids. Johnny has started talking to me and my days are now filled with Char's gibber gabber and Johnny's grown up sentences. He will hand me things, "here mom", "where did dad go", no, I didn't poop", "I wuv you"..... I actually feel like I have two toddlers now. Char is well on her way crawling at lightning speed, pulling out drawers and unloading whatever is inside, shaking her head no at me when she doesn't want something, and the tantrums have now begun. She will fall on the floor on her face crying when she doesn't get her way. At night, as I get her ready for bed, I try to hold on to my "baby" with the simple things she still loves and that I will continue to do while she lets me. I rock her in my arms. She knows it's time for bed. She lays her head on my chest and puts her hand on my neck. She looks up at me and then points to all the features on my face. She always laughs when I say "nose". Then I stand up and hold her and as she becomes dead weight on my shoulder I sing to her and she hums along. Charlotte I love you, Charlotte I do, Father in Heaven has sent me to you. When I am near you, I love to hear you whisper so softly just saying I do. Charlotte I love you, I love you I do. I then place her in her crib with her pink bunny from Primary Children's, put her binky in her mouth, and she rolls to her side to sleep. I love this girl. I can't believe she is one. It breaks ny heart. With Johnny, I pushed all those first year mile stones. I wanted him to crawl, walk, run, eat with a fork, roll over.... With Char, being the second time around, I have been putting on the brakes. Char just started crawling on her first birthday, I was, to be honest, a little sad. With crawling, comes walking. When I look at Char I still see this little 6 month old who just sits on her bottom and watches the world. She doesn't want to watch anymore. She wants to do. Especially when it comes to Johnny. She wants to follow him everywhere, have what he has, do what he does. I think I will always put on the brakes when it comes to Char. She might be my last baby, so I am holding on for dear life. The other night Char woke up around 1 a.m. I was really frustrated. She had been sleeping through the night for three straight months! I go in her room, huffing and puffing. I pick her up, sit in the chair and start to rock her. As I am rocking her, a conversation I had with someone in my ward several months earlier comes to my mind. She was talking about teenagers and how difficult they can be. And my quick response was "At least your sleeping though the night". Her response was not what I thought it would be. She said "I remember when I had my youngest and last baby. Everytime I went in to comfort her at night, I cherished it, because I never knew when it would be my last time. My last time to just hold her close to me, in the dark and comfort her in such an easy and loving way. It was our special time together. Someday, when they grow up, you'll miss that". I was now, alone in the dark with Char, rocking her close to me, in tears. Char is my baby, and now, if she happens to get up, for whatever reason, I try to remind myself that this may be the last time I will be able to comfort her this way. I will probably always be in denial about her growing up. It's gone by way too fast and I hope I don't forget her crinkled nose smile, her chicklet front teeth, her crazy wild hair, her deep laugh, those chubby legs, the way she does things so careful, so reserved. I love you baby honey. You will always be my baby.

Tag, You are it!

My friend tagged me in her post of a cut and paste blog.... check at the bottom to see if I tagged you! 4 shows I watch:

1. Dexter


2. American Idol


3. Glee


4. Kitchen Nightmares

4 Things I am passionate about:

1. My kids


2. My husband


3. My happiness


4. My friends

4 phrases I say alot:

1. Whatever you want


2. Seriously?


3. No ( I have a toddler at home)


4. Really?

4 things I did yesterday:

1. Went to Costco


2. Went to bed by 9 pm


3. Did ALL dirty laundry in my house


4. Started my low carb diet....

4 Things I have learned from the past:

1. Good or bad- it shapes us into who we are


2. That somethings don't always go the way you want them to, but there is a reason behind it.


3. Although the past shapes us, it doesn't define us.


4. History does not always repeat itself.

4 Places I would love to visit:

1. Paris


2. Rome


3. Austrailia


4. North Carolina (Husband's Mission)

4 Things I am looking forward to:

1. Charlotte walking


2. Charlotte sleeping through the night


3. Becky's wedding


4. Watching my kids grow up

4 Things I love about Spring:

1. The SUN!!!


2. Warm days so the kids can go outside and play


3. Fun new styles of clothes and shoes, not just for me, but also my kids!


4. New beginnings (not just for New Years)


5. Easter!

Now if you read this and your name is below, you have been tagged. Do the same post above with your own answers! Kristin, Amy, Corie, Aubrey

Hello there blog....

Not sure if anyone is out there reading this but I just felt like blogging tonight. Gosh- where do I start. The last month has flown by and I feel like there have been alot of loses and wins here at home. I was working out really well up until two weeks ago when I (and the kids) got sick. SICK. I am so tired of it. Makes me sick. Hacking coughs, stuffy/runny noses, headaches, tired..... we are on the mend now, but I can't even wrap my head around going to the gym. I am still exhausted. Especially after a day like today. The ZOO. That is all I really have to say. First really sunny day of the season and the place was a zoo. Kids everywhere, strollers, food, smelly animals, weird people.... still just enjoyed the company! Thanks for the ride Kristin! We went to St. George last weekend and it was nice. But not a vacation by any means. It was a trip. A change of scenery. The kids were good all in all and it was fun watching the SIL try on wedding dresses. Occationally I have what i call feeling swings, instead of mood swings, where I get a feeling, good or bad that lasts for several days or weeks. The last several weeks I have been feeling guilty. I don't know about you other mom's out there, but I have just had this over whelming GUILT. Now your probably wondering if I robbed a bank or something, but like most things, this has to do with my kiddos. I write in Johnny and Char's journals once a month and I noticed last night that I wrote sveral times mainly apologizing to them for all that goes on in their lives and what will, I am sure, continue to go on. I had the kids close, and not truly by accident. I just figured it would take a long time to get pregnant after Johnny. I find myself through out the day saying little things here and there to myself: "I could hold you after every nap, everyday, if you were the only child in my life, You wouldn't be crying right now if you were an only child, I wouldn't have snapped at you if I had only got my rest last night instead of being up with your sibling..... to be honest. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. True, some of the feelings have been kicked up like feathers in the wind because of other people's opinions of how I raise my kids. I love my sister to death, but if breaks my heart to hear her say she would never have kids close like mine because of all that she has seen my kids SACRIFICE. Gosh. That's one thing I don't feel like my kids should have to go through, at least not yet. and it made me think of all my kids have to sacrifice because they are so close. My time alone with them, my patience (which is on a short rope these days),how I feed them, the kind of schedule they are on..... I really think that I just need to stop caring what everyone else does and what everyone else thinks. My kids watch television (that includes Charlotte), eat junk (not everyday) go to bed at 6:30 p.m. every night, sleep with fans on in there rooms, Johnny goes to bed with a sippy cup, Charlotte is nursed to sleep and has formula, Johnny won't sit at the damn table to eat his food (so he eats it on the run), Charlotte doesn't always get all the naps she wants in a day, Charlotte still has a binky at nine months, I give Johnny suckers in public places just to keep him from throwing a fit.... the list could go on and on. BUT! My babies are loving, caring, carefree, smart, happy, healthy, little people. Charlotte wakes up talking in her crib in the morings, Johnny loves to snuggle after his nap and be read to, he listens to me (most of the time) he gives kisses and hugs to pretty much anyone who is nice to him, Charlotte spends most of her day smiling, Johnny tells me he "wuvs me" Charlotte snuggles my neck when she id tired. Although some of the things my kids have to sacrifice comes all too often for them, I know they go to bed at night warm, clean, fed and cared for. I know that no one is perfect, despite outward apperances. I am comforted by the rising and falling chests of my children as they sleep. I feel alive when they discover something new and share it with me. (johnny's love for bugs and Charlotte's love for food) I am just going to take a deep breath and know that I am not the only one out here walking the same line and doing the same crazy dance. I am so thankful for all the women in my life who surround me and remind me what is true when it comes to motherhod. I love you girls. Thanks for beliving in me and inspiring me to do better. I think I am done rambling for now.....

I am jealous of my kids....

I will admit that I am a proud subscriber to Parants magazine and for those of you who don't read it I would like to share an article with you that I feel is totally true and made me laugh! The article is called, "I am jealous of my kids"

"I decided that 4 is the age I would like to be. I'd be out of diapers, so i wouldn't have to walk around in my own pee or worse, but I'd still not be expected to know things like reading or math. Life would be one long playdate interrupted only by delicious food and plentiful sleep. In fact, the more i slept the more beloved I'd be. "little Dani slept 11 hours last night!" my mommy would boast. "Who's the best sleeper?"my mommy would ask me rhetorically. Then to reward me she'd give me a big handful of animal crackers. I wouldn't have to slap her hand away as if she was passing me a cyanide torch. I wouldn't have to scream, "I can't eat handfuls of animal crackers! Do you know how many carbs are in those things?" NOPE. I'd just think, "Cool, I like cookies."
When thirsty, I could give one word commands. "WATER!" I'd yell from the backseat of the car. And immendiatly someone bigger than me would rummage around and voila! A bottle of water! Sleeping, eating, playing with brightly colored objects until I lose interest, and crying when being denied something... As a 4 year old, I'd pretty much be living the life of a movie star without the nuisance of being famous."

This article hit home for me because to to honest, there are days when I am jealous of my kids. I try to do pretty much anything they want and make life easy and happy for them. As I read the article, I would have flash backs to what I did earlier in the day, the month, the last year! and would think, gosh- my kids have it great. But after reading this I also know that my kids deserve it. They deserve: clean clothes, a warm home, nutrious food,(with an occational treat or two) a clean diaper, fun toys, lots of books, tons of hugs and kisses, a smile even when things are crazy, consistency, stablity, and most of all- knowing they have parents that love them and would do anything for them, even if it means sacrafice. I love my kids more and more everyday. They get the best because they are the best. I love you Johnny and Char.

Love,

MOM

Belated Birthday

I thought it might be fun to post 27 things about me that you may of may not know in honor of my birthday.....





1. I like the fact that I am an Aquarius. Lame I know.

2. I don't like going longer than 8 weeks to get my hair done.

3. I really like American Idol- I have watched every season. (Season 1 is still my fav! Go Kelly!)

4. Although I don't have cable, I really LOVE cooking shows. Therefore I watch Create on channel 11.3. REally LAME.

5. I LOVE sushi! Mojitio roll at Mikado's is my fav.

6. I enjoy cooking, I enjoy baking, but I always burn myself. V-Day was a total nightmare.

7. I scar easily- have too many too count.

8. I have known John almost eight years. March 5th, 2003. Tara has me talking about the day I met him on home video!

9. I love being a stay at home mom, but some days, I wanna pull my hair out.

10. I am a hard core "Days Of Our Lives fan". Been watching since Sami got preggo with Austin's baby.

11. Tara is my best friend besides John. She has seen me through most phases, challenges, and glory days. Stake dance anyone? or maybe we should watch Dawson's Creek all day.

12. Outfit fav: cute sweat pants and zip up jacket

13. I don't miss being pregnant. EVER. (well.... I do miss the feeling of a moving baby)

14. I have never been so tired in all my life.

15. I write in a journal for myself and my kids. Have been writing in my own journal since 2nd grade.

16. Since 16 I have been pulled over for speeding over 10 times. Though, I haven't been pulled over since August 11, 2004. (fingers crossed!)

17. I used to LOVE scary movies, now they scare the hell out of me....

18. I used to be OBSESSED with Titanic long before the movie came out, but the movie did make it worse! (Don't judge me!)

19. My favorite color is GREEN. I want to have a house painted green one day. Sage green and Kelly green are my favs.

20. I really really like candy: gummies, skittles, starbursts, bottle caps, fruit flavored gum, suckers, nerds, and necos- one of my dad's favs.

21. Silver jeans are my fav from the teen years and I still try to wear them even though I don't even come close to having a body of a teen anymore.

22. My fav vaction spot is Jackson Hole, WY. Had Honeymoon there and love going any chance I can. I am not really a tropical person.

23. I miss soccer everyday. It was such a big part of my life and I want it back.

24. How old I was when I got pregnant with Johnny.

25. Besides country music, I really like oldies too. Billy Joel, James Taylor, America, Fleetwood Mac, REO Speedwagon, Chicago, Bread, Gilbert O' Sulivan, Rod Stewart, Journey, and LOVER BOY (saw these guys with Night Ranger in concert! ROCK ON!)

26. Now that I am a mom, I feel like I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.

27. Last, but not least- although it may see somethimes like I don't let things get to me or bother me, those who know me well know that I am a worry wart and always have been. Trying to work on that one....

No words.

There are no words that can begin to explain how I am feeling right at this very moment. After a fun filled night with some of the best women I know, I came home to spend some much needed time with John. For those of you who don't know, I LOVE 20/20, Dateline NBC, and 48 Hours Mystery. These shows, for one reason or another- I enjoy watching. We settled in for the night to watch Dateline about a young women named Brooke Willburger. She was from Portland and was even a student at BYU for a short time. It was all about her murder than occured in 2004. As I sat and watched this show I became overcome with emotion. Especially because of how the family interviews took place. Brooke's family are LDS and you could tell from the very first words that came from their mouths. Brooke's mom Cami, hardly cryed during this interview- and I could see how, because I was in tears. I was in tears as I heard of how she came to be abducted, beaten, and left for dead in the woods. I was in tears as I heard her siblings talk about her in such an endearing manner. I was in tears as I heard what her mother would say about all that happened. It finally dawned on me that she knew that on a day in May of 2004, would not be the last day she saw her daughter. She was so optimistic and positive in these interviews because she WOULD see Brooke again. I am in tears now because of how profound that really is. That we have a plan and the end never really is the end. That families are forever and pain and hurt and anger mean just a small fraction of what is in store for us after we die. I know I don't usually post on here this kind of thing, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude and love. I will get to see those who have passed before me and my family is forever. I went up to see Charlotte before going to bed and I can't find the words for how scared and excited I am for my kids to grow up. But knowing they are mine forever makes things not seem so scary. I am just so grateful for God's plan for us and that we have a Savior who died for us so that we may live forever as families.

My Johnny

Took this video a few days ago and it just makes me smile. I love you Johnny. You are so fun to be around. So full of life and I am so grateful that you are mine. Thank you for your kisses, smiles, and kindness towards me. I hope you'll always be as sweet as you are now.

Kicked my trash!

I was really debating if I was going to work out today, but at 4:30 pm I decided that I might as well do it and get it over with. I have been doing the 30 day shred by Jillian Micheals, but I tried a different DVD of hers today. "Trouble Zones" This comes with 7 different training levels that target: saddle bags, abs, arms and thighs. While doing the workout, it was like something hit me! THis is FUN! This is working! I really enjoyed how many different leveld there where and that you caould work through them at your own pace. I made it through 5 levels today and am very pleased! Hope tomorrow will be just as fun....

Back in the saddle again....

Well, the last two days I have worked out and tracked my eating. It's so hard to get back into the groove of things again after taking so much time off. But I just have to do it. I have noticed in my daily routine that if I put on my work out clothes I am more likely to actually do it. So, that will be the plan. Enough boring stuff.
I just wanted to post some updates. The kids are doing well and I am doing much better now that I am on antibiotics. (had a double ear infection) Johnny is as wild as ever and we had a blast yesterday taking dad to Discovery Gateway for his first time. What a fun way to burn three hours! He is getting his eleventh tooth and has been such a snuggler latley. He gives out smooches to family and mom and dad, and the one who gets them the most is Char of course! Char is doing great too. She is sitting up all by herself, plays with toys and we are working on eating solids. She is starting to get a routine, but the only hard part is that her naps and Johnny's one nap take up the entire day! From 9:30 am-2:30 pm, I am home, now don't get me wrong, this means alot of downtime for me, but- it makes it hard to go do things with others or to just get out in general if I don't want her to fall asleep in her car seat. All well- even when she is tired, she is still a sweetie. It does seem now that things are regulating and I don't feel so rushed and uptight and maybe it is because I have been staying home more due to weather and the nap situation. I do though VERY MUCH look forward to Spring. My best buds Tara annd Lisa will be having babies and I can't wait to meet those baby boys! I can't wait to go outside and get some genuine Vitamin D, rather that the tanning bed. I have a feeling that this Summer is going to be a blast. Gateway Fountains, parks, zoo, play outside, swimming.... the list goes on and on and I am so excited! The kids are growing so fast and each day is a new adventure in one way or another.... Johnny has really loved to read books and has started talking a little bit more. I have been worried on occasion that he doesn't talk enough for his age, but he understands what I say and I look forward to our special time together right after his nap when we snuggle up togther and read some of his favorite books. (This book he makes me read over and over and over- "Potty" - by Leslie Patricelli, "Foot book"- by Dr. Suess, "Hop on Pop") he even has started liking some t.v. programs! (curious George and Cat in the hat knows alot about that, dinosaur train) we even had a blueberry smoothie together! Johnny has really started becomeing my little pal and always makes things funny and interesting. He insists on putting battery operated toys in the tub and gets all upset when they, for some odd reason, quit working! Another sweet find is finding what he has stuck down the heating vents around the house, anybody missing a toothbrush? He also gets up underneath our coffee table and lifts in clean up off the air with his legs!
Char is now thinking about crawling. Gettin up on her hands and haunches trying to pull forward! She smiles of course all the time and has been talking up a STORM! She also, I am afraid to say, is becoming quite a mommy's girl. When I leave the room, it's like I am not coming back and she is devistated! All I have to do is pop my head back in the room and she smiles at me! I love her chubby leg rolls and the way she scrunches up her nose when she smiles. She was a little sick a couple weeks back, but I was the only one who noticed because no matter what, Char is happy and pleasent. Even after three days of not having gone #2! Not looking forward to those fireworks! Char also laughs at Johnny all the time. All he has to do is stand in front of her and she just starts giggling! I love these babies and don't knoe where I would be with out them! Well, this is a lond post, but hey- not evertone I love knows what is going on with the kids.... thanks for reading.

Days like today

I know that a storm is coming soon... this weekend said the news, but the last several days have given me false hope of seeing Spring. The sun has been out, the temps are higher than 30, and I heard birds chirping outside my window yesterday morning. It makes my mood lighter, I am more patient with my kids, and I overall actually feel like getting things done along with spending much needed time outside. I am going to be reallt upset when this storm hits. I know, I know, it's only January. But I can't help but wish it was almost March. Please get here soon Spring, I need you for my sanity!

Cousins

Just a few pics I took of all the kids while I spent a week in Price with my sister and mom.

Oh the sickness and a vacation-well, sort of

As you might have read, Monday was a day filled with alot of things accomplished, but Tuesdayand the rest of this week for that matter are NOT. I woke up Tuesda morning with a sore throat, achey muscles, a pounding head, and PINK EYE. My mom flys in Tuesday night. WE pick her up and Wednesday we head to Price for the week. It is now Sunday and I haven't done a lick of anything active, unless you count loading and unloading bags from the car. I have been so sick and now my babies are too, which makes things even more difficult. I hope tomorrow will be the start of a new week and a better feeling me!

I did not fall off the wagon

Although I did not post yesterday, I am still sort of on track. I decided yesterday, with in being Sunday and all to take a day of rest. So I did. I went out to my dad's with the kids and spent time with Rachele and her new baby. It was a great day. I did indulge in some popcorn with real butter and some awesome pasta that Theresa made, but all in all in was ok. I did feel horribly guilty for not exercising so I had no choice but to do it today. Today has been a good day. I cleaned, did laundry, worked out, and packed the kids for my trip on Wednesday.... will continue to post while out of town. Pinky swear.