Hello there blog....

Not sure if anyone is out there reading this but I just felt like blogging tonight. Gosh- where do I start. The last month has flown by and I feel like there have been alot of loses and wins here at home. I was working out really well up until two weeks ago when I (and the kids) got sick. SICK. I am so tired of it. Makes me sick. Hacking coughs, stuffy/runny noses, headaches, tired..... we are on the mend now, but I can't even wrap my head around going to the gym. I am still exhausted. Especially after a day like today. The ZOO. That is all I really have to say. First really sunny day of the season and the place was a zoo. Kids everywhere, strollers, food, smelly animals, weird people.... still just enjoyed the company! Thanks for the ride Kristin! We went to St. George last weekend and it was nice. But not a vacation by any means. It was a trip. A change of scenery. The kids were good all in all and it was fun watching the SIL try on wedding dresses. Occationally I have what i call feeling swings, instead of mood swings, where I get a feeling, good or bad that lasts for several days or weeks. The last several weeks I have been feeling guilty. I don't know about you other mom's out there, but I have just had this over whelming GUILT. Now your probably wondering if I robbed a bank or something, but like most things, this has to do with my kiddos. I write in Johnny and Char's journals once a month and I noticed last night that I wrote sveral times mainly apologizing to them for all that goes on in their lives and what will, I am sure, continue to go on. I had the kids close, and not truly by accident. I just figured it would take a long time to get pregnant after Johnny. I find myself through out the day saying little things here and there to myself: "I could hold you after every nap, everyday, if you were the only child in my life, You wouldn't be crying right now if you were an only child, I wouldn't have snapped at you if I had only got my rest last night instead of being up with your sibling..... to be honest. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. True, some of the feelings have been kicked up like feathers in the wind because of other people's opinions of how I raise my kids. I love my sister to death, but if breaks my heart to hear her say she would never have kids close like mine because of all that she has seen my kids SACRIFICE. Gosh. That's one thing I don't feel like my kids should have to go through, at least not yet. and it made me think of all my kids have to sacrifice because they are so close. My time alone with them, my patience (which is on a short rope these days),how I feed them, the kind of schedule they are on..... I really think that I just need to stop caring what everyone else does and what everyone else thinks. My kids watch television (that includes Charlotte), eat junk (not everyday) go to bed at 6:30 p.m. every night, sleep with fans on in there rooms, Johnny goes to bed with a sippy cup, Charlotte is nursed to sleep and has formula, Johnny won't sit at the damn table to eat his food (so he eats it on the run), Charlotte doesn't always get all the naps she wants in a day, Charlotte still has a binky at nine months, I give Johnny suckers in public places just to keep him from throwing a fit.... the list could go on and on. BUT! My babies are loving, caring, carefree, smart, happy, healthy, little people. Charlotte wakes up talking in her crib in the morings, Johnny loves to snuggle after his nap and be read to, he listens to me (most of the time) he gives kisses and hugs to pretty much anyone who is nice to him, Charlotte spends most of her day smiling, Johnny tells me he "wuvs me" Charlotte snuggles my neck when she id tired. Although some of the things my kids have to sacrifice comes all too often for them, I know they go to bed at night warm, clean, fed and cared for. I know that no one is perfect, despite outward apperances. I am comforted by the rising and falling chests of my children as they sleep. I feel alive when they discover something new and share it with me. (johnny's love for bugs and Charlotte's love for food) I am just going to take a deep breath and know that I am not the only one out here walking the same line and doing the same crazy dance. I am so thankful for all the women in my life who surround me and remind me what is true when it comes to motherhod. I love you girls. Thanks for beliving in me and inspiring me to do better. I think I am done rambling for now.....

I am jealous of my kids....

I will admit that I am a proud subscriber to Parants magazine and for those of you who don't read it I would like to share an article with you that I feel is totally true and made me laugh! The article is called, "I am jealous of my kids"

"I decided that 4 is the age I would like to be. I'd be out of diapers, so i wouldn't have to walk around in my own pee or worse, but I'd still not be expected to know things like reading or math. Life would be one long playdate interrupted only by delicious food and plentiful sleep. In fact, the more i slept the more beloved I'd be. "little Dani slept 11 hours last night!" my mommy would boast. "Who's the best sleeper?"my mommy would ask me rhetorically. Then to reward me she'd give me a big handful of animal crackers. I wouldn't have to slap her hand away as if she was passing me a cyanide torch. I wouldn't have to scream, "I can't eat handfuls of animal crackers! Do you know how many carbs are in those things?" NOPE. I'd just think, "Cool, I like cookies."
When thirsty, I could give one word commands. "WATER!" I'd yell from the backseat of the car. And immendiatly someone bigger than me would rummage around and voila! A bottle of water! Sleeping, eating, playing with brightly colored objects until I lose interest, and crying when being denied something... As a 4 year old, I'd pretty much be living the life of a movie star without the nuisance of being famous."

This article hit home for me because to to honest, there are days when I am jealous of my kids. I try to do pretty much anything they want and make life easy and happy for them. As I read the article, I would have flash backs to what I did earlier in the day, the month, the last year! and would think, gosh- my kids have it great. But after reading this I also know that my kids deserve it. They deserve: clean clothes, a warm home, nutrious food,(with an occational treat or two) a clean diaper, fun toys, lots of books, tons of hugs and kisses, a smile even when things are crazy, consistency, stablity, and most of all- knowing they have parents that love them and would do anything for them, even if it means sacrafice. I love my kids more and more everyday. They get the best because they are the best. I love you Johnny and Char.

Love,

MOM

Belated Birthday

I thought it might be fun to post 27 things about me that you may of may not know in honor of my birthday.....





1. I like the fact that I am an Aquarius. Lame I know.

2. I don't like going longer than 8 weeks to get my hair done.

3. I really like American Idol- I have watched every season. (Season 1 is still my fav! Go Kelly!)

4. Although I don't have cable, I really LOVE cooking shows. Therefore I watch Create on channel 11.3. REally LAME.

5. I LOVE sushi! Mojitio roll at Mikado's is my fav.

6. I enjoy cooking, I enjoy baking, but I always burn myself. V-Day was a total nightmare.

7. I scar easily- have too many too count.

8. I have known John almost eight years. March 5th, 2003. Tara has me talking about the day I met him on home video!

9. I love being a stay at home mom, but some days, I wanna pull my hair out.

10. I am a hard core "Days Of Our Lives fan". Been watching since Sami got preggo with Austin's baby.

11. Tara is my best friend besides John. She has seen me through most phases, challenges, and glory days. Stake dance anyone? or maybe we should watch Dawson's Creek all day.

12. Outfit fav: cute sweat pants and zip up jacket

13. I don't miss being pregnant. EVER. (well.... I do miss the feeling of a moving baby)

14. I have never been so tired in all my life.

15. I write in a journal for myself and my kids. Have been writing in my own journal since 2nd grade.

16. Since 16 I have been pulled over for speeding over 10 times. Though, I haven't been pulled over since August 11, 2004. (fingers crossed!)

17. I used to LOVE scary movies, now they scare the hell out of me....

18. I used to be OBSESSED with Titanic long before the movie came out, but the movie did make it worse! (Don't judge me!)

19. My favorite color is GREEN. I want to have a house painted green one day. Sage green and Kelly green are my favs.

20. I really really like candy: gummies, skittles, starbursts, bottle caps, fruit flavored gum, suckers, nerds, and necos- one of my dad's favs.

21. Silver jeans are my fav from the teen years and I still try to wear them even though I don't even come close to having a body of a teen anymore.

22. My fav vaction spot is Jackson Hole, WY. Had Honeymoon there and love going any chance I can. I am not really a tropical person.

23. I miss soccer everyday. It was such a big part of my life and I want it back.

24. How old I was when I got pregnant with Johnny.

25. Besides country music, I really like oldies too. Billy Joel, James Taylor, America, Fleetwood Mac, REO Speedwagon, Chicago, Bread, Gilbert O' Sulivan, Rod Stewart, Journey, and LOVER BOY (saw these guys with Night Ranger in concert! ROCK ON!)

26. Now that I am a mom, I feel like I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.

27. Last, but not least- although it may see somethimes like I don't let things get to me or bother me, those who know me well know that I am a worry wart and always have been. Trying to work on that one....

No words.

There are no words that can begin to explain how I am feeling right at this very moment. After a fun filled night with some of the best women I know, I came home to spend some much needed time with John. For those of you who don't know, I LOVE 20/20, Dateline NBC, and 48 Hours Mystery. These shows, for one reason or another- I enjoy watching. We settled in for the night to watch Dateline about a young women named Brooke Willburger. She was from Portland and was even a student at BYU for a short time. It was all about her murder than occured in 2004. As I sat and watched this show I became overcome with emotion. Especially because of how the family interviews took place. Brooke's family are LDS and you could tell from the very first words that came from their mouths. Brooke's mom Cami, hardly cryed during this interview- and I could see how, because I was in tears. I was in tears as I heard of how she came to be abducted, beaten, and left for dead in the woods. I was in tears as I heard her siblings talk about her in such an endearing manner. I was in tears as I heard what her mother would say about all that happened. It finally dawned on me that she knew that on a day in May of 2004, would not be the last day she saw her daughter. She was so optimistic and positive in these interviews because she WOULD see Brooke again. I am in tears now because of how profound that really is. That we have a plan and the end never really is the end. That families are forever and pain and hurt and anger mean just a small fraction of what is in store for us after we die. I know I don't usually post on here this kind of thing, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude and love. I will get to see those who have passed before me and my family is forever. I went up to see Charlotte before going to bed and I can't find the words for how scared and excited I am for my kids to grow up. But knowing they are mine forever makes things not seem so scary. I am just so grateful for God's plan for us and that we have a Savior who died for us so that we may live forever as families.

My Johnny

Took this video a few days ago and it just makes me smile. I love you Johnny. You are so fun to be around. So full of life and I am so grateful that you are mine. Thank you for your kisses, smiles, and kindness towards me. I hope you'll always be as sweet as you are now.

Kicked my trash!

I was really debating if I was going to work out today, but at 4:30 pm I decided that I might as well do it and get it over with. I have been doing the 30 day shred by Jillian Micheals, but I tried a different DVD of hers today. "Trouble Zones" This comes with 7 different training levels that target: saddle bags, abs, arms and thighs. While doing the workout, it was like something hit me! THis is FUN! This is working! I really enjoyed how many different leveld there where and that you caould work through them at your own pace. I made it through 5 levels today and am very pleased! Hope tomorrow will be just as fun....

Back in the saddle again....

Well, the last two days I have worked out and tracked my eating. It's so hard to get back into the groove of things again after taking so much time off. But I just have to do it. I have noticed in my daily routine that if I put on my work out clothes I am more likely to actually do it. So, that will be the plan. Enough boring stuff.
I just wanted to post some updates. The kids are doing well and I am doing much better now that I am on antibiotics. (had a double ear infection) Johnny is as wild as ever and we had a blast yesterday taking dad to Discovery Gateway for his first time. What a fun way to burn three hours! He is getting his eleventh tooth and has been such a snuggler latley. He gives out smooches to family and mom and dad, and the one who gets them the most is Char of course! Char is doing great too. She is sitting up all by herself, plays with toys and we are working on eating solids. She is starting to get a routine, but the only hard part is that her naps and Johnny's one nap take up the entire day! From 9:30 am-2:30 pm, I am home, now don't get me wrong, this means alot of downtime for me, but- it makes it hard to go do things with others or to just get out in general if I don't want her to fall asleep in her car seat. All well- even when she is tired, she is still a sweetie. It does seem now that things are regulating and I don't feel so rushed and uptight and maybe it is because I have been staying home more due to weather and the nap situation. I do though VERY MUCH look forward to Spring. My best buds Tara annd Lisa will be having babies and I can't wait to meet those baby boys! I can't wait to go outside and get some genuine Vitamin D, rather that the tanning bed. I have a feeling that this Summer is going to be a blast. Gateway Fountains, parks, zoo, play outside, swimming.... the list goes on and on and I am so excited! The kids are growing so fast and each day is a new adventure in one way or another.... Johnny has really loved to read books and has started talking a little bit more. I have been worried on occasion that he doesn't talk enough for his age, but he understands what I say and I look forward to our special time together right after his nap when we snuggle up togther and read some of his favorite books. (This book he makes me read over and over and over- "Potty" - by Leslie Patricelli, "Foot book"- by Dr. Suess, "Hop on Pop") he even has started liking some t.v. programs! (curious George and Cat in the hat knows alot about that, dinosaur train) we even had a blueberry smoothie together! Johnny has really started becomeing my little pal and always makes things funny and interesting. He insists on putting battery operated toys in the tub and gets all upset when they, for some odd reason, quit working! Another sweet find is finding what he has stuck down the heating vents around the house, anybody missing a toothbrush? He also gets up underneath our coffee table and lifts in clean up off the air with his legs!
Char is now thinking about crawling. Gettin up on her hands and haunches trying to pull forward! She smiles of course all the time and has been talking up a STORM! She also, I am afraid to say, is becoming quite a mommy's girl. When I leave the room, it's like I am not coming back and she is devistated! All I have to do is pop my head back in the room and she smiles at me! I love her chubby leg rolls and the way she scrunches up her nose when she smiles. She was a little sick a couple weeks back, but I was the only one who noticed because no matter what, Char is happy and pleasent. Even after three days of not having gone #2! Not looking forward to those fireworks! Char also laughs at Johnny all the time. All he has to do is stand in front of her and she just starts giggling! I love these babies and don't knoe where I would be with out them! Well, this is a lond post, but hey- not evertone I love knows what is going on with the kids.... thanks for reading.