Somebodies I hold dear.

I was looking back on all my past posts and can't believe how much time has flown by. These little people seriously grow my the second. I have been super emotional this past week after finding out the news of what happened to the Powell boys this last Sunday. I have been reeling inside. Feeling all sorts of feelings that scared me. I couldn't get it out of my mind all week. I think that sometimes, the day to day life with the kids has made things feel so routine. This past week, I can honestly say- I haven't felt this way. I would get excited to hear the kids awake from their slumber, bounce into their rooms, open their curtains wide to let the sun shine in on their tired little faces, and just be filled with excitment to see them. Although, I am sure that they thought I was nuts, I have really started to appreciate these moments with the kids. I found myself getting down to see Johnny's face when he would try to tell me something, hold his hand at all times possible, ask him for help on daily taskes, held Char just a little bit longer, slowed down the diaper changes and clothing changes...... I feel like I really held onto these memories. I found myself crying at night because I couldn't and can't imagine what my life would be like with out them in it. I prayed intently that I would have more patience with them and let go of the small things. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my Johnny and Char. So much, in fact that it hurts a little too. I feel like my sensitivity to them has been hightened and it makes me feel really happy inside.

I am not totally sure why this has been brought on at this very moment. Maybe Heavenly Father knew I needed it, maybe seeing images of that burned home with two small boys inside, or maybe I just let go of my insecurties. This has always been a major issue of mine and if you truly know me well, they can be seen very clearly. I let my insecurities of who I am get in the way of how I love my kids- mind you, there are other factors of course, but I think it all comes from with in me. How I feel about myself as a mom, a wife, a friend, a person. What I guess I am really trying to say is that I feel like a burden has been lifted from me. Like I can really grab hold onto these moments and make them last. It's a little weird writting this today because today was not one of my good days. I was impatient and awnry. One day at a time. I have to have the bad days to know the good ones.

What I am loving about these kiddos of mine:

Char talks NON STOP. Seriously. My little chatter box.

The way Char laughs. It's deep and all in her throat. You wouldn't expect that sound to come out

of someone so small.

The brightness in Johnny's eyes as I sing to him primary songs before bed.

How much more Johnny is communicating with me.

That they both adore books and being read to.

That storytime was finally a success! Both sat and listened the whole time. BIG DEAL.

How Johnny always wants to hold my hand in public places and demands it.

How Char wants everything Johnny has, no matter what.

That when Johnny wants something, he will repeat it over and over and over until you respond and act.

That Johnny is so friendly to others. A friend came to the door the other day and Johnny walked right over and hugged her leg. He is always so loving and affectionate.

How defiant and stubborn my Char is. I love it and dislike it.

That they are mine. That I can hold them whenever I want. I could march right upstairs, right now, and pick them up and hold them, kiss the, squeeze them. That Johnny is like me when I was little. That Char is a cookie cutter of her daddy. That I get to spend day in and day out with them and all their craziness.

A dear friend of mine had something happen to her husband recently that made her realize how important life is. She said something I will never forget and always try to remember: That FAMILY comes first, nothing else.

I am going to strive on that concept. That no matter what is going on with me or my insecurties, my family comes first. The rest will follow.

I have started another blog

On top of this blog, I have decided to do an "inspirational blog" that is not private. It will be posts about women that inspire and motivate me! Check it out! http://wwwthesisterhoodproject.blogspot.com

Fall photos

Thanks Kellie Lowe for taking such fun and beautiful pictures of my family!!!

Stand

I have been inspired by a dear friend of mine and I just hope she reads thsi and doesn't think it's corney. This song has helped me alot. It might help you too if your dealing with hardships big or small....

You feel like candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove you taste what your made of
you might bend till you break
cause it's all you can take
on your kness you look up decide you've had enough
you get mad, you get strong
wipe your hands, shake it off
THEN YOU STAND

Life's like a novel, with the end ripped out
the edge of a canyon, with only one way out
take what your given before it's gone
start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what your made of
you might bend till you break cause it's all you can take
on your knees you look up, decide you've had enough
YOU GET MAD, YOU GET STRONG
WIPE YOUR HANDS, SHAKE IT OFF

THEN YOU STAND

Everytime you get up and get back in the race
one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.

I know, I know....

It's been awhile. Not sure what to say or what to post so here it goes. Summer is more than half way gone and I am not sure I want to even think about winter. Johnny is 29 months. Charlotte is 13 months. Time has flown by and I feel as if I am in denial. Especially when it comes to the kids. Johnny has started talking to me and my days are now filled with Char's gibber gabber and Johnny's grown up sentences. He will hand me things, "here mom", "where did dad go", no, I didn't poop", "I wuv you"..... I actually feel like I have two toddlers now. Char is well on her way crawling at lightning speed, pulling out drawers and unloading whatever is inside, shaking her head no at me when she doesn't want something, and the tantrums have now begun. She will fall on the floor on her face crying when she doesn't get her way. At night, as I get her ready for bed, I try to hold on to my "baby" with the simple things she still loves and that I will continue to do while she lets me. I rock her in my arms. She knows it's time for bed. She lays her head on my chest and puts her hand on my neck. She looks up at me and then points to all the features on my face. She always laughs when I say "nose". Then I stand up and hold her and as she becomes dead weight on my shoulder I sing to her and she hums along. Charlotte I love you, Charlotte I do, Father in Heaven has sent me to you. When I am near you, I love to hear you whisper so softly just saying I do. Charlotte I love you, I love you I do. I then place her in her crib with her pink bunny from Primary Children's, put her binky in her mouth, and she rolls to her side to sleep. I love this girl. I can't believe she is one. It breaks ny heart. With Johnny, I pushed all those first year mile stones. I wanted him to crawl, walk, run, eat with a fork, roll over.... With Char, being the second time around, I have been putting on the brakes. Char just started crawling on her first birthday, I was, to be honest, a little sad. With crawling, comes walking. When I look at Char I still see this little 6 month old who just sits on her bottom and watches the world. She doesn't want to watch anymore. She wants to do. Especially when it comes to Johnny. She wants to follow him everywhere, have what he has, do what he does. I think I will always put on the brakes when it comes to Char. She might be my last baby, so I am holding on for dear life. The other night Char woke up around 1 a.m. I was really frustrated. She had been sleeping through the night for three straight months! I go in her room, huffing and puffing. I pick her up, sit in the chair and start to rock her. As I am rocking her, a conversation I had with someone in my ward several months earlier comes to my mind. She was talking about teenagers and how difficult they can be. And my quick response was "At least your sleeping though the night". Her response was not what I thought it would be. She said "I remember when I had my youngest and last baby. Everytime I went in to comfort her at night, I cherished it, because I never knew when it would be my last time. My last time to just hold her close to me, in the dark and comfort her in such an easy and loving way. It was our special time together. Someday, when they grow up, you'll miss that". I was now, alone in the dark with Char, rocking her close to me, in tears. Char is my baby, and now, if she happens to get up, for whatever reason, I try to remind myself that this may be the last time I will be able to comfort her this way. I will probably always be in denial about her growing up. It's gone by way too fast and I hope I don't forget her crinkled nose smile, her chicklet front teeth, her crazy wild hair, her deep laugh, those chubby legs, the way she does things so careful, so reserved. I love you baby honey. You will always be my baby.

Tag, You are it!

My friend tagged me in her post of a cut and paste blog.... check at the bottom to see if I tagged you! 4 shows I watch:

1. Dexter


2. American Idol


3. Glee


4. Kitchen Nightmares

4 Things I am passionate about:

1. My kids


2. My husband


3. My happiness


4. My friends

4 phrases I say alot:

1. Whatever you want


2. Seriously?


3. No ( I have a toddler at home)


4. Really?

4 things I did yesterday:

1. Went to Costco


2. Went to bed by 9 pm


3. Did ALL dirty laundry in my house


4. Started my low carb diet....

4 Things I have learned from the past:

1. Good or bad- it shapes us into who we are


2. That somethings don't always go the way you want them to, but there is a reason behind it.


3. Although the past shapes us, it doesn't define us.


4. History does not always repeat itself.

4 Places I would love to visit:

1. Paris


2. Rome


3. Austrailia


4. North Carolina (Husband's Mission)

4 Things I am looking forward to:

1. Charlotte walking


2. Charlotte sleeping through the night


3. Becky's wedding


4. Watching my kids grow up

4 Things I love about Spring:

1. The SUN!!!


2. Warm days so the kids can go outside and play


3. Fun new styles of clothes and shoes, not just for me, but also my kids!


4. New beginnings (not just for New Years)


5. Easter!

Now if you read this and your name is below, you have been tagged. Do the same post above with your own answers! Kristin, Amy, Corie, Aubrey

Hello there blog....

Not sure if anyone is out there reading this but I just felt like blogging tonight. Gosh- where do I start. The last month has flown by and I feel like there have been alot of loses and wins here at home. I was working out really well up until two weeks ago when I (and the kids) got sick. SICK. I am so tired of it. Makes me sick. Hacking coughs, stuffy/runny noses, headaches, tired..... we are on the mend now, but I can't even wrap my head around going to the gym. I am still exhausted. Especially after a day like today. The ZOO. That is all I really have to say. First really sunny day of the season and the place was a zoo. Kids everywhere, strollers, food, smelly animals, weird people.... still just enjoyed the company! Thanks for the ride Kristin! We went to St. George last weekend and it was nice. But not a vacation by any means. It was a trip. A change of scenery. The kids were good all in all and it was fun watching the SIL try on wedding dresses. Occationally I have what i call feeling swings, instead of mood swings, where I get a feeling, good or bad that lasts for several days or weeks. The last several weeks I have been feeling guilty. I don't know about you other mom's out there, but I have just had this over whelming GUILT. Now your probably wondering if I robbed a bank or something, but like most things, this has to do with my kiddos. I write in Johnny and Char's journals once a month and I noticed last night that I wrote sveral times mainly apologizing to them for all that goes on in their lives and what will, I am sure, continue to go on. I had the kids close, and not truly by accident. I just figured it would take a long time to get pregnant after Johnny. I find myself through out the day saying little things here and there to myself: "I could hold you after every nap, everyday, if you were the only child in my life, You wouldn't be crying right now if you were an only child, I wouldn't have snapped at you if I had only got my rest last night instead of being up with your sibling..... to be honest. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. True, some of the feelings have been kicked up like feathers in the wind because of other people's opinions of how I raise my kids. I love my sister to death, but if breaks my heart to hear her say she would never have kids close like mine because of all that she has seen my kids SACRIFICE. Gosh. That's one thing I don't feel like my kids should have to go through, at least not yet. and it made me think of all my kids have to sacrifice because they are so close. My time alone with them, my patience (which is on a short rope these days),how I feed them, the kind of schedule they are on..... I really think that I just need to stop caring what everyone else does and what everyone else thinks. My kids watch television (that includes Charlotte), eat junk (not everyday) go to bed at 6:30 p.m. every night, sleep with fans on in there rooms, Johnny goes to bed with a sippy cup, Charlotte is nursed to sleep and has formula, Johnny won't sit at the damn table to eat his food (so he eats it on the run), Charlotte doesn't always get all the naps she wants in a day, Charlotte still has a binky at nine months, I give Johnny suckers in public places just to keep him from throwing a fit.... the list could go on and on. BUT! My babies are loving, caring, carefree, smart, happy, healthy, little people. Charlotte wakes up talking in her crib in the morings, Johnny loves to snuggle after his nap and be read to, he listens to me (most of the time) he gives kisses and hugs to pretty much anyone who is nice to him, Charlotte spends most of her day smiling, Johnny tells me he "wuvs me" Charlotte snuggles my neck when she id tired. Although some of the things my kids have to sacrifice comes all too often for them, I know they go to bed at night warm, clean, fed and cared for. I know that no one is perfect, despite outward apperances. I am comforted by the rising and falling chests of my children as they sleep. I feel alive when they discover something new and share it with me. (johnny's love for bugs and Charlotte's love for food) I am just going to take a deep breath and know that I am not the only one out here walking the same line and doing the same crazy dance. I am so thankful for all the women in my life who surround me and remind me what is true when it comes to motherhod. I love you girls. Thanks for beliving in me and inspiring me to do better. I think I am done rambling for now.....