It's been awhile. Not sure what to say or what to post so here it goes. Summer is more than half way gone and I am not sure I want to even think about winter. Johnny is 29 months. Charlotte is 13 months. Time has flown by and I feel as if I am in denial. Especially when it comes to the kids. Johnny has started talking to me and my days are now filled with Char's gibber gabber and Johnny's grown up sentences. He will hand me things, "here mom", "where did dad go", no, I didn't poop", "I wuv you"..... I actually feel like I have two toddlers now. Char is well on her way crawling at lightning speed, pulling out drawers and unloading whatever is inside, shaking her head no at me when she doesn't want something, and the tantrums have now begun. She will fall on the floor on her face crying when she doesn't get her way. At night, as I get her ready for bed, I try to hold on to my "baby" with the simple things she still loves and that I will continue to do while she lets me. I rock her in my arms. She knows it's time for bed. She lays her head on my chest and puts her hand on my neck. She looks up at me and then points to all the features on my face. She always laughs when I say "nose". Then I stand up and hold her and as she becomes dead weight on my shoulder I sing to her and she hums along. Charlotte I love you, Charlotte I do, Father in Heaven has sent me to you. When I am near you, I love to hear you whisper so softly just saying I do. Charlotte I love you, I love you I do. I then place her in her crib with her pink bunny from Primary Children's, put her binky in her mouth, and she rolls to her side to sleep. I love this girl. I can't believe she is one. It breaks ny heart. With Johnny, I pushed all those first year mile stones. I wanted him to crawl, walk, run, eat with a fork, roll over.... With Char, being the second time around, I have been putting on the brakes. Char just started crawling on her first birthday, I was, to be honest, a little sad. With crawling, comes walking. When I look at Char I still see this little 6 month old who just sits on her bottom and watches the world. She doesn't want to watch anymore. She wants to do. Especially when it comes to Johnny. She wants to follow him everywhere, have what he has, do what he does. I think I will always put on the brakes when it comes to Char. She might be my last baby, so I am holding on for dear life. The other night Char woke up around 1 a.m. I was really frustrated. She had been sleeping through the night for three straight months! I go in her room, huffing and puffing. I pick her up, sit in the chair and start to rock her. As I am rocking her, a conversation I had with someone in my ward several months earlier comes to my mind. She was talking about teenagers and how difficult they can be. And my quick response was "At least your sleeping though the night". Her response was not what I thought it would be. She said "I remember when I had my youngest and last baby. Everytime I went in to comfort her at night, I cherished it, because I never knew when it would be my last time. My last time to just hold her close to me, in the dark and comfort her in such an easy and loving way. It was our special time together. Someday, when they grow up, you'll miss that". I was now, alone in the dark with Char, rocking her close to me, in tears. Char is my baby, and now, if she happens to get up, for whatever reason, I try to remind myself that this may be the last time I will be able to comfort her this way. I will probably always be in denial about her growing up. It's gone by way too fast and I hope I don't forget her crinkled nose smile, her chicklet front teeth, her crazy wild hair, her deep laugh, those chubby legs, the way she does things so careful, so reserved. I love you baby honey. You will always be my baby.
