Stand

I have been inspired by a dear friend of mine and I just hope she reads thsi and doesn't think it's corney. This song has helped me alot. It might help you too if your dealing with hardships big or small....

You feel like candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

Cause when push comes to shove you taste what your made of
you might bend till you break
cause it's all you can take
on your kness you look up decide you've had enough
you get mad, you get strong
wipe your hands, shake it off
THEN YOU STAND

Life's like a novel, with the end ripped out
the edge of a canyon, with only one way out
take what your given before it's gone
start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
you taste what your made of
you might bend till you break cause it's all you can take
on your knees you look up, decide you've had enough
YOU GET MAD, YOU GET STRONG
WIPE YOUR HANDS, SHAKE IT OFF

THEN YOU STAND

Everytime you get up and get back in the race
one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.

I know, I know....

It's been awhile. Not sure what to say or what to post so here it goes. Summer is more than half way gone and I am not sure I want to even think about winter. Johnny is 29 months. Charlotte is 13 months. Time has flown by and I feel as if I am in denial. Especially when it comes to the kids. Johnny has started talking to me and my days are now filled with Char's gibber gabber and Johnny's grown up sentences. He will hand me things, "here mom", "where did dad go", no, I didn't poop", "I wuv you"..... I actually feel like I have two toddlers now. Char is well on her way crawling at lightning speed, pulling out drawers and unloading whatever is inside, shaking her head no at me when she doesn't want something, and the tantrums have now begun. She will fall on the floor on her face crying when she doesn't get her way. At night, as I get her ready for bed, I try to hold on to my "baby" with the simple things she still loves and that I will continue to do while she lets me. I rock her in my arms. She knows it's time for bed. She lays her head on my chest and puts her hand on my neck. She looks up at me and then points to all the features on my face. She always laughs when I say "nose". Then I stand up and hold her and as she becomes dead weight on my shoulder I sing to her and she hums along. Charlotte I love you, Charlotte I do, Father in Heaven has sent me to you. When I am near you, I love to hear you whisper so softly just saying I do. Charlotte I love you, I love you I do. I then place her in her crib with her pink bunny from Primary Children's, put her binky in her mouth, and she rolls to her side to sleep. I love this girl. I can't believe she is one. It breaks ny heart. With Johnny, I pushed all those first year mile stones. I wanted him to crawl, walk, run, eat with a fork, roll over.... With Char, being the second time around, I have been putting on the brakes. Char just started crawling on her first birthday, I was, to be honest, a little sad. With crawling, comes walking. When I look at Char I still see this little 6 month old who just sits on her bottom and watches the world. She doesn't want to watch anymore. She wants to do. Especially when it comes to Johnny. She wants to follow him everywhere, have what he has, do what he does. I think I will always put on the brakes when it comes to Char. She might be my last baby, so I am holding on for dear life. The other night Char woke up around 1 a.m. I was really frustrated. She had been sleeping through the night for three straight months! I go in her room, huffing and puffing. I pick her up, sit in the chair and start to rock her. As I am rocking her, a conversation I had with someone in my ward several months earlier comes to my mind. She was talking about teenagers and how difficult they can be. And my quick response was "At least your sleeping though the night". Her response was not what I thought it would be. She said "I remember when I had my youngest and last baby. Everytime I went in to comfort her at night, I cherished it, because I never knew when it would be my last time. My last time to just hold her close to me, in the dark and comfort her in such an easy and loving way. It was our special time together. Someday, when they grow up, you'll miss that". I was now, alone in the dark with Char, rocking her close to me, in tears. Char is my baby, and now, if she happens to get up, for whatever reason, I try to remind myself that this may be the last time I will be able to comfort her this way. I will probably always be in denial about her growing up. It's gone by way too fast and I hope I don't forget her crinkled nose smile, her chicklet front teeth, her crazy wild hair, her deep laugh, those chubby legs, the way she does things so careful, so reserved. I love you baby honey. You will always be my baby.

Tag, You are it!

My friend tagged me in her post of a cut and paste blog.... check at the bottom to see if I tagged you! 4 shows I watch:

1. Dexter


2. American Idol


3. Glee


4. Kitchen Nightmares

4 Things I am passionate about:

1. My kids


2. My husband


3. My happiness


4. My friends

4 phrases I say alot:

1. Whatever you want


2. Seriously?


3. No ( I have a toddler at home)


4. Really?

4 things I did yesterday:

1. Went to Costco


2. Went to bed by 9 pm


3. Did ALL dirty laundry in my house


4. Started my low carb diet....

4 Things I have learned from the past:

1. Good or bad- it shapes us into who we are


2. That somethings don't always go the way you want them to, but there is a reason behind it.


3. Although the past shapes us, it doesn't define us.


4. History does not always repeat itself.

4 Places I would love to visit:

1. Paris


2. Rome


3. Austrailia


4. North Carolina (Husband's Mission)

4 Things I am looking forward to:

1. Charlotte walking


2. Charlotte sleeping through the night


3. Becky's wedding


4. Watching my kids grow up

4 Things I love about Spring:

1. The SUN!!!


2. Warm days so the kids can go outside and play


3. Fun new styles of clothes and shoes, not just for me, but also my kids!


4. New beginnings (not just for New Years)


5. Easter!

Now if you read this and your name is below, you have been tagged. Do the same post above with your own answers! Kristin, Amy, Corie, Aubrey

Hello there blog....

Not sure if anyone is out there reading this but I just felt like blogging tonight. Gosh- where do I start. The last month has flown by and I feel like there have been alot of loses and wins here at home. I was working out really well up until two weeks ago when I (and the kids) got sick. SICK. I am so tired of it. Makes me sick. Hacking coughs, stuffy/runny noses, headaches, tired..... we are on the mend now, but I can't even wrap my head around going to the gym. I am still exhausted. Especially after a day like today. The ZOO. That is all I really have to say. First really sunny day of the season and the place was a zoo. Kids everywhere, strollers, food, smelly animals, weird people.... still just enjoyed the company! Thanks for the ride Kristin! We went to St. George last weekend and it was nice. But not a vacation by any means. It was a trip. A change of scenery. The kids were good all in all and it was fun watching the SIL try on wedding dresses. Occationally I have what i call feeling swings, instead of mood swings, where I get a feeling, good or bad that lasts for several days or weeks. The last several weeks I have been feeling guilty. I don't know about you other mom's out there, but I have just had this over whelming GUILT. Now your probably wondering if I robbed a bank or something, but like most things, this has to do with my kiddos. I write in Johnny and Char's journals once a month and I noticed last night that I wrote sveral times mainly apologizing to them for all that goes on in their lives and what will, I am sure, continue to go on. I had the kids close, and not truly by accident. I just figured it would take a long time to get pregnant after Johnny. I find myself through out the day saying little things here and there to myself: "I could hold you after every nap, everyday, if you were the only child in my life, You wouldn't be crying right now if you were an only child, I wouldn't have snapped at you if I had only got my rest last night instead of being up with your sibling..... to be honest. I am sick and tired of feeling this way. True, some of the feelings have been kicked up like feathers in the wind because of other people's opinions of how I raise my kids. I love my sister to death, but if breaks my heart to hear her say she would never have kids close like mine because of all that she has seen my kids SACRIFICE. Gosh. That's one thing I don't feel like my kids should have to go through, at least not yet. and it made me think of all my kids have to sacrifice because they are so close. My time alone with them, my patience (which is on a short rope these days),how I feed them, the kind of schedule they are on..... I really think that I just need to stop caring what everyone else does and what everyone else thinks. My kids watch television (that includes Charlotte), eat junk (not everyday) go to bed at 6:30 p.m. every night, sleep with fans on in there rooms, Johnny goes to bed with a sippy cup, Charlotte is nursed to sleep and has formula, Johnny won't sit at the damn table to eat his food (so he eats it on the run), Charlotte doesn't always get all the naps she wants in a day, Charlotte still has a binky at nine months, I give Johnny suckers in public places just to keep him from throwing a fit.... the list could go on and on. BUT! My babies are loving, caring, carefree, smart, happy, healthy, little people. Charlotte wakes up talking in her crib in the morings, Johnny loves to snuggle after his nap and be read to, he listens to me (most of the time) he gives kisses and hugs to pretty much anyone who is nice to him, Charlotte spends most of her day smiling, Johnny tells me he "wuvs me" Charlotte snuggles my neck when she id tired. Although some of the things my kids have to sacrifice comes all too often for them, I know they go to bed at night warm, clean, fed and cared for. I know that no one is perfect, despite outward apperances. I am comforted by the rising and falling chests of my children as they sleep. I feel alive when they discover something new and share it with me. (johnny's love for bugs and Charlotte's love for food) I am just going to take a deep breath and know that I am not the only one out here walking the same line and doing the same crazy dance. I am so thankful for all the women in my life who surround me and remind me what is true when it comes to motherhod. I love you girls. Thanks for beliving in me and inspiring me to do better. I think I am done rambling for now.....

I am jealous of my kids....

I will admit that I am a proud subscriber to Parants magazine and for those of you who don't read it I would like to share an article with you that I feel is totally true and made me laugh! The article is called, "I am jealous of my kids"

"I decided that 4 is the age I would like to be. I'd be out of diapers, so i wouldn't have to walk around in my own pee or worse, but I'd still not be expected to know things like reading or math. Life would be one long playdate interrupted only by delicious food and plentiful sleep. In fact, the more i slept the more beloved I'd be. "little Dani slept 11 hours last night!" my mommy would boast. "Who's the best sleeper?"my mommy would ask me rhetorically. Then to reward me she'd give me a big handful of animal crackers. I wouldn't have to slap her hand away as if she was passing me a cyanide torch. I wouldn't have to scream, "I can't eat handfuls of animal crackers! Do you know how many carbs are in those things?" NOPE. I'd just think, "Cool, I like cookies."
When thirsty, I could give one word commands. "WATER!" I'd yell from the backseat of the car. And immendiatly someone bigger than me would rummage around and voila! A bottle of water! Sleeping, eating, playing with brightly colored objects until I lose interest, and crying when being denied something... As a 4 year old, I'd pretty much be living the life of a movie star without the nuisance of being famous."

This article hit home for me because to to honest, there are days when I am jealous of my kids. I try to do pretty much anything they want and make life easy and happy for them. As I read the article, I would have flash backs to what I did earlier in the day, the month, the last year! and would think, gosh- my kids have it great. But after reading this I also know that my kids deserve it. They deserve: clean clothes, a warm home, nutrious food,(with an occational treat or two) a clean diaper, fun toys, lots of books, tons of hugs and kisses, a smile even when things are crazy, consistency, stablity, and most of all- knowing they have parents that love them and would do anything for them, even if it means sacrafice. I love my kids more and more everyday. They get the best because they are the best. I love you Johnny and Char.

Love,

MOM

Belated Birthday

I thought it might be fun to post 27 things about me that you may of may not know in honor of my birthday.....





1. I like the fact that I am an Aquarius. Lame I know.

2. I don't like going longer than 8 weeks to get my hair done.

3. I really like American Idol- I have watched every season. (Season 1 is still my fav! Go Kelly!)

4. Although I don't have cable, I really LOVE cooking shows. Therefore I watch Create on channel 11.3. REally LAME.

5. I LOVE sushi! Mojitio roll at Mikado's is my fav.

6. I enjoy cooking, I enjoy baking, but I always burn myself. V-Day was a total nightmare.

7. I scar easily- have too many too count.

8. I have known John almost eight years. March 5th, 2003. Tara has me talking about the day I met him on home video!

9. I love being a stay at home mom, but some days, I wanna pull my hair out.

10. I am a hard core "Days Of Our Lives fan". Been watching since Sami got preggo with Austin's baby.

11. Tara is my best friend besides John. She has seen me through most phases, challenges, and glory days. Stake dance anyone? or maybe we should watch Dawson's Creek all day.

12. Outfit fav: cute sweat pants and zip up jacket

13. I don't miss being pregnant. EVER. (well.... I do miss the feeling of a moving baby)

14. I have never been so tired in all my life.

15. I write in a journal for myself and my kids. Have been writing in my own journal since 2nd grade.

16. Since 16 I have been pulled over for speeding over 10 times. Though, I haven't been pulled over since August 11, 2004. (fingers crossed!)

17. I used to LOVE scary movies, now they scare the hell out of me....

18. I used to be OBSESSED with Titanic long before the movie came out, but the movie did make it worse! (Don't judge me!)

19. My favorite color is GREEN. I want to have a house painted green one day. Sage green and Kelly green are my favs.

20. I really really like candy: gummies, skittles, starbursts, bottle caps, fruit flavored gum, suckers, nerds, and necos- one of my dad's favs.

21. Silver jeans are my fav from the teen years and I still try to wear them even though I don't even come close to having a body of a teen anymore.

22. My fav vaction spot is Jackson Hole, WY. Had Honeymoon there and love going any chance I can. I am not really a tropical person.

23. I miss soccer everyday. It was such a big part of my life and I want it back.

24. How old I was when I got pregnant with Johnny.

25. Besides country music, I really like oldies too. Billy Joel, James Taylor, America, Fleetwood Mac, REO Speedwagon, Chicago, Bread, Gilbert O' Sulivan, Rod Stewart, Journey, and LOVER BOY (saw these guys with Night Ranger in concert! ROCK ON!)

26. Now that I am a mom, I feel like I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.

27. Last, but not least- although it may see somethimes like I don't let things get to me or bother me, those who know me well know that I am a worry wart and always have been. Trying to work on that one....

No words.

There are no words that can begin to explain how I am feeling right at this very moment. After a fun filled night with some of the best women I know, I came home to spend some much needed time with John. For those of you who don't know, I LOVE 20/20, Dateline NBC, and 48 Hours Mystery. These shows, for one reason or another- I enjoy watching. We settled in for the night to watch Dateline about a young women named Brooke Willburger. She was from Portland and was even a student at BYU for a short time. It was all about her murder than occured in 2004. As I sat and watched this show I became overcome with emotion. Especially because of how the family interviews took place. Brooke's family are LDS and you could tell from the very first words that came from their mouths. Brooke's mom Cami, hardly cryed during this interview- and I could see how, because I was in tears. I was in tears as I heard of how she came to be abducted, beaten, and left for dead in the woods. I was in tears as I heard her siblings talk about her in such an endearing manner. I was in tears as I heard what her mother would say about all that happened. It finally dawned on me that she knew that on a day in May of 2004, would not be the last day she saw her daughter. She was so optimistic and positive in these interviews because she WOULD see Brooke again. I am in tears now because of how profound that really is. That we have a plan and the end never really is the end. That families are forever and pain and hurt and anger mean just a small fraction of what is in store for us after we die. I know I don't usually post on here this kind of thing, but I can't help but feel overwhelmed with gratitude and love. I will get to see those who have passed before me and my family is forever. I went up to see Charlotte before going to bed and I can't find the words for how scared and excited I am for my kids to grow up. But knowing they are mine forever makes things not seem so scary. I am just so grateful for God's plan for us and that we have a Savior who died for us so that we may live forever as families.